I prayed

that God would replace my hurt with love.  That God would allow me to communicate with this man in a loving manner.  I wasn’t heartbroken.  I wasn’t abused. I wasn’t bitter.  I was just extremely disappointed.  It didn’t take long for me to realize that.  No, I wasn’t heartbroken  -maybe because my heart wasn’t in it.  This time around I just had a lot of hope.  Hope that at this point in life, at this age, things would be different…he would be different.  No, I wasn’t angry or bitter. I was disappointed.

So I locked myself away from him.  stayed away and told him to do the same.  and he did.  He didn’t force the issue.  He didn’t harass me on my decision.  But this situation was different.  My heart wasn’t in it, but this little heart we made…this beautiful life…my heart was there, with her, in her…she was my heart.  and she meant more to me than my disappointments.  she deserved to know him and he deserved to know her, watch her grow.  a bad mate does not make a bad father and a good father does not make a good mate.  These two roles are separate and -within reason- you should not use one to judge the other.  so I prayed.  God please help me to communicate with him in a loving manner.  and so God answered my prayers.

Now I can answer his calls and reply to his texts and I feel no negativity.  I can hear his voice without counting down the seconds to when the call would end.  I can hear his voice and know if he’s o.k…or not.  and I care.  I don’t want to care.  but I do.  How can I communicate in a loving way without caring? That’s like walking in one foot of stilettos and one foot of flipflop: it doesn’t allow balance.  So with my prayer I have to accept the balance.  Communicate in a loving way and care about his well-being, while honoring the separation of our hearts and simultaneously nurturing the heart we created.  All this requires love, care and balance.  I prayed. God answered

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