Daily Prompt: Survive

How do you let go? How do you know when?  14? 17? 18? 21? What is that first night like in the house without them?  The sound of their feet on the tile?  The sound of their voices calling from clear across the house “MAAAWM!” just because.  The sound of their fingers on the touchscreen keyboard as they text away…something that is obviously very important to them. The sound of their laughter. The sound of them fussing or playing with their siblings “stawp iiit! UGH!!! MAAAWM!!!”  sigh.  You don’t really know.  You just trust that they’re ready. So you help them pack…with a heavy heart…but happy for them at the same time because you know it’s not so much about them being ready….it’s about you being ready.  Accepting that the time has come.  “It’s o.k. mom.  it’s only a few weeks. I’ll be back.”  So you pack…their suitcase with all the clothes and toiletries that you know they’ll need to survive…and their purses with enough to survive…and you pack their ears and hearts with all the warnings and cautions and advice and reminders “remember who you are…remember your manners…remember to always be aware of your surroundings…take nothing for granted….remember your upbringing: don’t deviate from it… you lead, you don’t follow.  I’m here for you no matter what. just call.” you give them all they need to survive.  you’ve given them all they’ve needed to survive.  you have to trust that.  and you pray.  you pray with them before they go to sleep the night before.  you pray over them as they sleep during that night.  you hold them and pray with them again the next morning before they leave.  and you pray after they’re gone.

……but in their absence (whatever this absence may mean) how do you survive?  you pray.  because you know the strength that is required of you is a new requirement.  A different requirement and therefore a different strength is needed.  A strength that is far beyond you.  a strength that is far above you.  because the fact is this may be only a drop in your ocean of  acceptance.  You pray.  and you live and you wait and you… survive.

survive

via Daily Prompt: Survive

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Dear God

It’s Sunday morning and I’m laying here with my toddler fast asleep in my arms. Her tiny hand resting peacefully on my neck. She’s breathing ever so deep and soft. I love her. I love this moment. I thank You.

I didn’t go to church this morning because I didn’t want to. I rather allow her this time. I rather allow myself this time. Monday to Friday is a rush. You blessed me with a job/career. You blessed me with two amazing kids to care for. You blessed me with wisdom in how to manage employment and parenthood. I thank You.

I could have gotten them up and did the Sunday morning rush. Got to church. Stay for an hour. Go through the required/expected meet and greet after….but I really didn’t want to. The house is totally quiet. No tv. No radio. No voices. Just the sweet peaceful sound of my baby sleeping and the ceiling fan. I thank You.

So even though I didn’t give in to the Sunday morning ritual, please accept this moment of quiet thankfulness. It is a beautiful morning. I thank You. My children are safe and healthy. I thank You. My parents are alive and well. I thank You. My siblings and their families are employed and provided for. I thank You. My two amazing sistercousins are blessed in the way You know they needed. I thank You. When the kids wake up, there’s breakfast for them. I thank You. After that we’ll go grocery shopping. I thank You. This evening we’ll meet up with family for dinner. I thank You.

For these things today and all that You continue to do on our behalf, GOD, I thank You.

Mental break

I need to log in and check this child’s grades. Make sure everything is everything.

Grey’s Anatomy was good last night, but Scandal was better.

I need to order that new case for the baby’s tablet or it’s not going to last long.

Today is Friday, so we hang out with my parents all evening: I look forward to this, but I think they look more forward to it than we do 🙂

Grocery shopping…laundry… I need to get that done but not tomorrow. I’m too tired. I just need one day of no travel whatsoever.

My shoulders are super tense.  I’m having little spasms in the left one periodically. it sucks.  I really need to schedule a massage

I wonder how hot is outside? did it actually rain?

I really have to figure out a better sleep schedule for me and this baby. I don’t think either one of us is getting enough sleep at night.

How am I tired of the Pandora stations I created? how can                                        anyone get tired of music? how is this possible?
I’ll listen to some soca when I get in the car. that will give me energy.

Erykah Badu’s “stay” just came on.  yep. that’ll do for now.  Maybe “certainly” will play soon. I love that song.

My upper back hurts.
dude says I just need a really good orgasm and I’ll be back to my old self.
(eyeroll).
how is that the solution???
but he may not be so wrong 😉

When am I going to stop wearing this ring? smh.  Quit blocking myself?

I need a couple new nighties. something that doesn’t slip and slide and turn                 every which way while I sleep.  who the hell came up with the idea of satin nighties anyways?  I need something long. soft. cotton. Or maybe just a great t-shirt will do.

My shoulders…ugh!

it’s Friday. When I get home, put the baby to sleep, and settle in, I get to put on some excitingly violent kung-fu flick, get a small glass of baileys. fall asleep 20 minutes into the movie, wake up at 3:00 a.m, hit replay then fast forward past the 20 minutes I already watched, watch 3 minutes, fall back asleep.  It’s madness, but I really like at least making the attempt at “me time”.

Lemme get back to di people dem wuk.  get these documents done before 5:30. cause I’m pretty sure I’m not staying here past that today.

Here ends this mental break.

mental break

 

 

the visit

standing there, you see it’s beauty.  the site of it. the thought of it.  it looks cold. but it’s beautiful. you came for this. to get away from the lights and sounds and demands of the everyday routine. you came for this. to release the accumulated stress and tension.  you came for this.  it’s been on your mind for so long. you go to bed thinking of it. you wake up almost feeling it. and so you came. for this. do you enter? or do you simply stand and admire.  build up the courage. what if you like it. enjoy it. love it so much you don’t want to leave. but that’s crazy thinking… you know eventually you’ll have to go… but you brush those thoughts away.  because you are here.  you really didn’t come to just see… you came because you needed this…. you needed to enter. so you do… and it’s not cold at all. it’s warm. and it enfolds you. the deeper you go, the warmer you feel. the more you wonder why you’ve waited so long.  it is so worth it. it’s why you came. and there’s something about this that is relaxing. soothing. even though in this moment with all your muscles tensed, locked… your body is actively peaceful and your mind is gone. so gone…. this is why you came. and now that you know, you will keep…coming. as long as it’s in your reach. you will come. again. you are mad at yourself for hesitating for so long.  but in this moment, you can’t even afford any negative vibe toward yourself or anyone else. because in this moment, you. are. gone. and everything is good. and the world is at peace. and you are at peace. and you are glad you came.  and you linger for as long as you can before you exit…

oh look. it’s starting to rain. might as well go back in. again. it only makes sense.

the ocean

What is the going rate for Integrity?

Strange question, I’m sure.  However, I find it necessary to pose it.

The other day, while in conversation with one of my core friends, she stated that if offered a certain amount of money, she would -without hesitation- become a Trump supporter.  Now, this is not a moment about politics.   If you are a supporter of one party,  because you just don’t support the stance of the other, then fine.  If you switch political parties because you believe that your political needs are better met/supported by another party, then fine.  However, if you switch parties simply because you’ve been offered a substantial amount of money, then -for what it’s worth- you lose my respect.
As a female person of color, supporting any racist/sexist/misogynist simply because the money is right…well, this calls to question your integrity.  What is your standard? What is your limit? At what point is money not enough to sway your beliefs?

money hungry

Daily Prompt: Temporary

…is this feeling you have for me.  it will pass. like it always does. like it always has over the decade that we’ve been playing this game. “you’re hot then you’re cold. you’re yes then you’re no. you’re in then you’re out…” I’m the woman for you…then you want nothing to do with me….then you still love me…then you’re “no longer interested“… then you want us to always be friends. So now you’re back.  I receive you like I always do.  I receive you knowing that your presence is only temporary.

fading love

via Daily Prompt: Temporary

seeing a grown man cry

Have you ever seen a grown man cry? I mean, breakdown and sob.  I mean, see his tears and hear his moans and know that in that moment his blood pressure lowered, because what all he was holding/keeping/ignoring/suppressing is now being released through his tears.  When is the last time you saw a grown man cry? That does something to you.  Something shifts.  You realize you only know what he’s told you, but the rest has been kept hidden because, you know… we all know… “that a man ain’t supposed to cry”  not a “real” man anyways. goodness.  Who comes up with these rules?  Because Real Men (whatever this description is) break.  They get tired sometimes. They cry.

here’s what I know: I know that when a man drinks a lot of liquor he becomes emotional. Hear me when I say, I’ve seen a grown man cry plenty times.  I used to break with him.  he cries, I cried.  Plenty times. However, it got to the point where when it happened I simply turned away and kept on doing whatever the task was, or create a task or simply exit the environment.  Sometimes with a strong eye-roll.  It may sound odd, but that did something me. That shifted something in me.   Did it shift my sympathy? No.  At least I don’t think so…  but something shifted….

When I see a grown man break and cry, I can stand and be the shoulder he needs to cry on. I can honor the fact that this moment is significant.  I am wise enough to know that he’s not crying because he has nothing better to do.  I am present enough to not push for answers, but to simply allow the moment to be a simple as it is.  He needed this time. Let it be.

Now my mom? she tells a story of how when I was a toddler, she was doing her normal afternoon prayer, and there I was kneeling next to her. when she was done I looked up at her and said “mommy, you didn’t pray good today”  she said “why baby?” to which I replied “you didn’t cry this time” 🙂  That’s when my momma cries. during prayer.   So if/when she breaks outside of prayer, THAT breaks me.

But seeing a grown man cry…something has shifted in me…. and I don’t know if I can get it back.

tears of a man

my soul is screaming

…for the pain of the loss of our children
15yr girl found at the side of the road
15yr old boy found trapped under an SUV
15yr old boy leaving a party with his friends shot by police

my soul is screaming

what is happening?!
why can’t they be allowed to live?!
why is it so easy to take their lives?!
why aren’t they valued?!
why did you not THINK before you acted?!
did you go grab something to eat after you threw her out your car and kept going?
did you sleep after you left the truck ON the boy?!?!
did you write a report that justified your shooting of yet another black youth?!
did you forget that you were a child once? a child filled with hopes and dreams and goals? a child that made promises to himself? a child that wanted to be loved and valued and validated?! how could you take that away from them?!?!?! from us?!

mom can I go with my friends…to the school dance…to the party…to hang out…cause it’s been a long week and we’re all tired from studying and tests and quizzes and we all just need a break…so can I?”  and my soul screams “NO! because you are MINE and I love you and I CAN’T LOSE YOU and these uncaring bastards out in the streets don’t care about you! STAY HOME. NEVER LEAVE! I’ll keep you safe!”… but my heart sees and understands… and my mouth says “yes baby. just text me. and be safe. and don’t take any moment for granted. and be very aware of your surroundings. and be safe.” and you pray with them before they leave and you pray while they’re gone. and you pray a prayer of thanks when they return…because they returned. and you thank God for protecting them and for bringing them back.

then you listen to the news and you’re reminded of the sadness and the hurt and the pain of the mothers, burying their children and you know that it’s ass-backwards because it goes against the “natural order of things” and what is that anyways? the “natural order of things“.  is there order? or is there just life and death. and you simply deal the best way you know how? because now, there are too many parents burying their young, vibrant children whose lives were taken mercilessly… and my soul is screaming…

GOD WHERE WERE YOU?!?!?!

soul cry2