it’s happening…I feel it…I don’t want this to happen. I’ve avoided it for so long…and yet here it is
how…why him? He broke me…and I shattered him. or maybe it was the other way around. I don’t know. I just know it was rough. so how come? when I was there, my world spinning and I stood alone, in that very moment, it was him. How? there was no reason for our paths to cross on that street in that moment, and yet…there he was. being everything I needed him to be. there he was. I needed him and there he was. Again. He’s done that before. you know? been there when I needed him most.
but then there was that time…what felt like the most important time that I needed him most…and he was gone. and I was disappointed. but now, he’s back. I left myself open. I wasn’t hateful. Maybe I should have been. Maybe I should have dragged him…us…through the thorns of the rose colored glass that he had me looking through…maybe I should have set fire to that string/rope of friendship/history/love that bind us together…shattered that rose colored glass when ….
I’m on this highway that I’ve avoided for years, and the ride is smooth, no traffic…it’s smooth and I like it. and I like him again… and that scares me. because I know it’s easy for me to love…but to ‘like‘ takes a whole other readiness, openness, acceptance. I can love easily, but liking is hard…and I am liking him again…and we’re talking again…he’s telling me his plans, his next steps…and I am listening. no great input, just listening because I’ve come to learn that’s all he needs sometimes. is for me to listen…to him…hear his words.
and I want him to come and sit and I want him to just be. and I want to make him a cup of tea the way he likes it, the way he says only I can fix for him….and we don’t have to hold hands or even touch, I’m o.k. with him just being there…and I want to write him letters and poetic texts and I want him to send the same and make me reread them because the way he writes to me at times confuses me…or stumps me…leaves me amazed…and I want to send him music and have him start a battle by sending one back noted with “top this”… and I want to accept the challenge…. and it’s all simple and yet meaningful and ….and this scares me…because I’ve been here -no, we’ve been here- before…we’ve done this. all of this….or have we? why am I o.k. with all this.
because he showed up. because he shows up. all I have to do is call… he told me this “all you have to do is call…”. he’s following through with this. he’s following through.
because he has yet to disappoint me this time around… and I don’t care when days and days go by and we don’t communicate…..because ….. all I have to do is call…
and they say not to “go backwards…going there with him again will be a backwards move”…. but how is it backwards if I never moved?
I never moved. and according to him, he never left. it was me all along. running away as usual. I never moved. he never left.
save me someone. from me. I’m looking at this hamster wheel …this rollercoaster….. and it’s not looking so bad right now.
someone save me… please….from me.