I thought about the different ways I wanted to write this. how vague I could be. I started and deleted. because it was so vague it almost made no sense. so instead of vague, I’ll be transparent.
Truth: Sometimes I spiral. not physically. and not even mentally. but more so emotionally. I’m not crying or screaming (probably on the inside) or displaying any negative actions. but I reach. My spiraling comes in moments when I need some attention. from the opposite sex. so I text. nope, I don’t call. because that requires more emotion. I text. because I can either ignore their responses or accept it -based on the tone and the path. sigh. I spiral. not for a few minutes or an hour, but for what seems like an entire work day.
by the time I get home, if I check my text log I will have seen logs from three or four guys. and the one with the most messages is the one who was available to give me the attention I needed for that day.
and then months will go by. I carry on my days like the superwoman I am. Girl on fire that I be. Giving my attention and my all to all who need me. and then suddenly, I’l find myself spiraling. reaching.
could this be my way of refilling? re-energizing? Every few months I pull the energy I need, so I can in turn give the energy that is required of me?
I don’t know what it is. I wish I didn’t have these spiraling…reaching moments. Then again, I need these moments. to spiral.