and no one called to say “hey while you’re out, pick some up” knowing that I have this baby who needs her milk. knowing that they use the milk just as much as she does. the milk is done. and as I pour the last of it in her bottle I feel myself get mad. I’m mad because it’s done and I thought ahead to purchase another bottle, but if I hadn’t, this would be it. and I would fuss and they would look at me like “well, why are you carrying on like this. we didn’t mean it. you know we didn’t mean it. it’s not big deal.” the milk is done. and I’m mad. and I feel the pressure in my chest and head and I stop and breathe because I realize it’s not about the milk being done. it’s not about there not being enough milk. it’s about me being tired. it’s not about them not thinking enough, it’s about me always having to think ahead. it’s not about the milk not being enough. it’s about me not being enough. or feeling like I’m not. It’s about me continuously being in planning mode -continuously checking my “gps for the best and fastest route” to take, while everyone else is in cruise-control. It’s about me trying and ending up in these proverbial traffic jams…watching the time and wondering when will I get to where I want/need to be. Why are they in cruise control? why don’t they care? It’s about me constantly putting myself off, constantly putting my needs off. constantly putting what everyone else needs and thinks ahead of what I need.
who taught me to do that? where did I learn that trait?
It’s about me continuously counseling myself. continuously in my own head ….this is o.k. ….. God is giving you all that you need to survive these moments. even the the gps moments….to think ahead to stop and pick up the milk and the bread …… because you are the provider. God provides for you so you can provide for your household. He gives you the strength to do it all.
the milk was done and so was I.
because in that moment all I saw was me doing…..and doing…..and thinking….and planning…..
and after placing my palms on the counter and taking a deep breath and counseled myself into the “everything is o.k…..things could be a lot worst….my home is still my safe haven that I look forward to being in”… I continued.
the milk was done. but I wasn’t. I continued my nightly chores and got ready for the next day. I continued my moment of mom and head-of-household. I continued planning and moving. I continued.