Another Moment of Transparency 

Both kids fell asleep early tonight. The little one curled up sweetly and peacefully in her sister’s arms. Both in my bed.

This should be the time I shower and get in bed and sleep too!!!

Instead I find myself standing in my bathroom in my underwear catching up on my book. Terry McMillan’s “Who Asked You?”  And it dips and rises with emotions and I’m right there with it.  Ebooks are great. But there’s just something about turning the pages of a book that still bring me peace. So I read. And I laugh. And I gasp. And I giggle. 

Then I looked around.

My bathroom is a MESS.

I always say that if you want to check my emotional state, see if there’s a physical section of my life that’s untidy.  If everything is everything, then all is well. But if you find one section…the car, the bedroom the bathroom. Somewhere. where things are out of place, then so are my emotions. 

The car? Fine.

The living area? Tidy. 

Kitchen? Tidy 

The other bedrooms and bathroom?  Fine 

Walk over to my side….

My bedroom? Fine

Look closer…

Walk into my bathroom? 

Jeeeezuz. 

I have a pet peive about clothes on the floor, so that’s not happening. But things are out of place. Baby got hold of my bucket of bangles…the container is on the floor empty, there are a few bangles here and there, but I don’t know where most of them are

And. I. Don’t. Care.

Stuff is everywhere. Just out of place and 

I. Don’t. Care.

I know if I clean up the bathroom then it’ll help me out of this…state…but it’s late and I’m tired. So I shower and get in bed. 

Then my toddler wakes up. She’s been sleeping for 3 hours. My night is wrecked.

I’ll get to cleaning my bathroom soon. Definitely this weekend. But tonight I need to change and feed and read and snuggle with my baby. 

The bathroom can wait, and so can my emotions.

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“Sometimes the heart just needs a reset.”

Yea… it’s just one of those days… where I was running on “E”.  Nah, there’s gas in the car. But me, I’m on “E” or worse yet I’m running on NE = Not Enough. …mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically, all the “…ally” you can think of.  I’m just running on not enough. So before I get to “D” = Done, I turned to my “Divine Connections” and took my cape off.  Kicked off my boots.  Took off my tights. released my wrists of my power bracelets. took off my headband. Laid my lasso on the floor. cause I needed to be naked.  So I expressed to them “…want to cry”.  One understood exactly where I was. One went straight into “fix it” mode cause if I’m hurting, then she’s fixing. The other said “Sometimes the heart just needs a reset.”

So here I am.

I already counted my blessings and found that I am no where close to being as worse off as so many others. I am grateful.

I am not here to negate my own feelings.

I’m here to acknowledge the fact that it’s o.k. to hurt. to be tired. to be overwhelmed. to be too much. to not be enough.  I can’t be everything to everyone. no matter how much I try.  I can only be all I need to be for me and to be only what I can give to others.

I’m resetting.

I can’t be everything to everyone. no matter how much I try.

I can’t be everything to everyone. no matter how much I try.

Remember in grade school the teacher would make you write the same sentence over and over until you got it?

well, here I am.

I can’t be everything to everyone. no matter how much I try.

I can’t be everything to everyone. no matter how much I try.

I can’t be everything to everyone. no matter how much I try.

I can’t be everything to everyone. no matter how much I try.

I can’t be everything to everyone. no matter how much I try.

I can’t be everything to everyone. no matter how much I try.

I can only be all I need to be for me.

black wonder woman

This is not deep

I just saw one of the most beautiful commercials…. starts off with the dad looking at his newborn through the glass window of the newborn room…the story follows through giving her that first bath, seeing her take her first steps….graduating high school….to seeing her get married…to looking at her once again through the same window, this time she’s holding her own newborn, her husband at her side.

What were they advertising? …. I sat and watched the entire emotional journey. 

Windex. Glass cleaner. 

They got me. 

Told you this wasn’t deep.

A Force Greater than you

Listen

I don’t care who you are, or what your religious beliefs -or the lack thereof- are. Just know you didn’t evolve from a fish or a monkey (why are there still monkeys??). Know that there is something far greater, more intelligent, more powerful, more loving, more forgiving -and sometimes more angry- than you. Your God may be a big white man, wearing a long white robe, sporting long white hair and beard sitting on a white thrown. Your God may be a nurturing woman who is continuously birthing newness of life and love into this murderous world.  Your God may be a powerful spirit that holds and controls the universe in itself and takes the form of who you need it to be in the very moment you need it: a mother’s word of love, an offspring’s sweet hug, the well needed words of a best friend, or the redirection of an elder.

Whatever/whoever you believe in, always remember to take the time to acknowledge and honor That Presence and continuous actions of That Power in your life.  You show your gratitude simply by loving yourself enough to live the good life you deserve and by helping others to do the same.

You didn’t “just happen”. You are here by design.

This song is by Tye Tribbett titled “I Need You”.  Enjoy

GodWoman