I’ve been on a sex-fast for well over a year now. Amazingly enough I’m not on edge and miserable. I’m not trying to figure out which shower-head works best (I have had some mind-blowing showers in the past) and I’m not a gold-member at Adam & Eve. I simply live. Not just exists, but I am living. I am at peace. I am happy. So, no sex. Then I realized I really do need to lose some weight. So no rice, no bread, no sweets, no pastries for months. Started actually losing weight. Slowly reincorporated rice and bread back in my diet but but with wisdom this time. That journey continues. Then last week it dawned on me that I haven’t done a spiritual fast in a while. I wasn’t going to jump in and do a 40day fast right off. I chose to simply “push the breakfast plate away” for a few days. Turns out I did that for eight days. Nothing after midnight (or way before) and nothing before midday. And never break-fast without praying. Why? I needed some clarity…some direction. The very first day of my fast I blocked two dudes out my phone. I realized that I was on a serious emotional roller coaster with one in particular. I HATE actual roller-coaster rides, but every now and then someone would be able to convince me to get on one. Well, I hate emotional roller-coaster rides even more. I’m too old for both types now. So that first morning of fast when another emotional spiral then sudden-dip happened, I was done. Phone system asked “are you sure you want to block this person?” I clicked yes without another thought. The other guy was just….. didn’t want to waste my time or his. 7 years later and you’re still getting yourself together…yeah no. I’m hopping off that “potential” train-ride as well. All this on the very first day of my fast.
I don’t miss having a guy to talk to because I have a really awesome friend of 11 years who gives me the conversation I need daily. I don’t require much in this moment. I just need that one base voice on the other end of the phone. How are you? How was your day? followed by a refreshing conversation varying from politics to religion to parenting to relationships. and laughter. There’s so much laughter. I get to ask him the “deep” questions -big questions and even ones that seem silly- and he answers. and he can question me the same. There’s openness and honesty. When we miss each other’s phone call, we call right back or send a text. There’s no great expectations. There’s no fussiness and no one gets all caught up in their feelings. This is refreshing. I am at peace.
What did I expect from this fast: clarity. I got it. It’s hard at times. It breaks you emotionally. One day you’re happy and the next you’re praying and crying about things you weren’t even aware that you were carrying. Clarity requires awareness. Awareness requires change. The changes have been made. And now I wait. I am open to give love and to receive love. No more pain. While I am waiting, I am trying to acknowledge my now-wholeness which is a direct result of my then-brokenness.
I’m not done fasting yet though. I’m sure I will pick back up again in a couple days because there’s still so much that I need clarity on. I don’t necessarily need answers…I need to know what to dig deep for, what to let be, and how to honor both.