frustration

you asked for 5, I give you 50
you asked for some, I give you all
you asked to go, I give you directions
you asked for the city, I give you the world
you asked for a star, I give you the universe
what more do you need?
nothing
what more do you want?
everything
At this point I can only give you what I have left of me
and it really isn’t much
I want to stop
but I can’t
because if I stop, you will too
stop pushing, stop reaching, stop achieving
you feel alone, yet you isolate yourself
you just don’t get it
so explain it to me
I pull away, you come after me
I stop talking, you strike up conversations
what do you want from me?!
you go to sleep mad
you wake up sad
where does your joy lie?
it’s not here with us
I understand you have to find yourself
the YOU that you were meant to be
but who are you now???
because I don’t recognize this person
I don’t recognize you
the words you speak
the tone you use
catch your tone…I ain’t one a dem!
you apologize
I accept
then the same thing happens two days later
I give. and then I give. then I give some more
but it’s not enough
this family isn’t enough
then who is?
for you?
what is your intention for YOU?
I’m praying hard
I’m googling
researching
seeking guidance
help
instructions
on how to
if this was a DIY project, I’d be good to go
but it’s not.
you need to help me
with this
with you
what more do you need?
………………………………..sigh
I swear my hair is falling out
which pisses me off because I worked hard on this damn afro!
my body is giving up on me
gotta stack up on my B-complex…
pretty sure I’ve created my own mental B-complex…but I digress

I’m tired from crying
sobbing
God, please show me what to do
give me the words
I lay down with my eyes puffy
nostrils blocked
they say crying is healing
crying is also exhausting
I’m at work…can’t focus
because my thoughts are on you
maybe this is what obsession is like
if it is, obsession is for the birds
God, please show me what to do
give me the words
help me be the mother this kid needs me to be in each moment
it’s a thin line… between
obsession/parenting.

the blues

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where do you go?…

I lay in my bed with my bedroom door open, listening for the door to chime…telling me you’re home. safely. listening to that damn kitchen faucet dripping. dripping. it’s almost annoying…but not as annoying as me being up, waiting for your return as though you’re my child or my mate. and even though you are neither, our connection is just as important. you worry me. you screw with my nerves.  I wake up and realize that the light I left on for you is still on…telling me that you’re not home yet.  and my door is still open.

my

door

is

still

open

because where else will you return to?  after you’re done. doing.  being.  escaping.  you will still have a home. so I say a prayer …for your safety…and I go back to sleep.

do I even want to know?  I’ll leave it alone.  because you returned. safe. and the door chimed. and the faucet dripped. and my door was still open.

My door will always be open. for you.

open door

sudden poetry

is what you grant me.
when I see your face…perfect. absolutely perfect in my eyes.
sudden poetry is what you gift me
whenever I hear you speak
so many words. such understanding. like you’ve been here before
sudden poetry is what you hand me
whenever you hold my face
“look at me”….”listen”…”I love you. so much”
sudden poetry is what you bless me with
each time you say “good morning”. “Amen”. “good night”.
I am selfish. I know. I embrace this because
this is the only part of my life where that word can truly be applied to me.
selfish.
I sit at work and I think about you. suddenly.
I wonder what you’re doing
I count the hours as they past because
after a while I get to see you
hear you
listen to your stories
supply your demands
I am selfish about you

Baby look at me.  Listen. I love you. So much

black mom

“Sometimes the heart just needs a reset.”

Yea… it’s just one of those days… where I was running on “E”.  Nah, there’s gas in the car. But me, I’m on “E” or worse yet I’m running on NE = Not Enough. …mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically, all the “…ally” you can think of.  I’m just running on not enough. So before I get to “D” = Done, I turned to my “Divine Connections” and took my cape off.  Kicked off my boots.  Took off my tights. released my wrists of my power bracelets. took off my headband. Laid my lasso on the floor. cause I needed to be naked.  So I expressed to them “…want to cry”.  One understood exactly where I was. One went straight into “fix it” mode cause if I’m hurting, then she’s fixing. The other said “Sometimes the heart just needs a reset.”

So here I am.

I already counted my blessings and found that I am no where close to being as worse off as so many others. I am grateful.

I am not here to negate my own feelings.

I’m here to acknowledge the fact that it’s o.k. to hurt. to be tired. to be overwhelmed. to be too much. to not be enough.  I can’t be everything to everyone. no matter how much I try.  I can only be all I need to be for me and to be only what I can give to others.

I’m resetting.

I can’t be everything to everyone. no matter how much I try.

I can’t be everything to everyone. no matter how much I try.

Remember in grade school the teacher would make you write the same sentence over and over until you got it?

well, here I am.

I can’t be everything to everyone. no matter how much I try.

I can’t be everything to everyone. no matter how much I try.

I can’t be everything to everyone. no matter how much I try.

I can’t be everything to everyone. no matter how much I try.

I can’t be everything to everyone. no matter how much I try.

I can’t be everything to everyone. no matter how much I try.

I can only be all I need to be for me.

black wonder woman

someone save me…from me

it’s happening…I feel it…I don’t want this to happen. I’ve avoided it for so long…and yet here it is

how…why him?  He broke me…and I shattered him. or maybe it was the other way around.  I don’t know. I just know it was rough. so how come?  when I was there, my world spinning and I stood alone, in that very moment, it was him.  How? there was no reason for our paths to cross on that street in that moment, and yet…there he was. being everything I needed him to be. there he was. I needed him and there he was. Again. He’s done that before. you know? been there when I needed him most.

but then there was that time…what felt like the most important time that I needed him most…and he was gone.  and I was disappointed. but now, he’s back. I left myself open.  I wasn’t hateful. Maybe I should have been. Maybe I should have dragged him…us…through the thorns of the rose colored glass that he had me looking through…maybe I should have set fire to that string/rope of friendship/history/love that bind us together…shattered that rose colored glass when ….

I’m on this highway that I’ve avoided for years, and the ride is smooth, no traffic…it’s smooth and I like it. and I like him again… and that scares me. because I know it’s easy for me to love…but to ‘like‘ takes a whole other readiness, openness, acceptance.  I can love easily, but liking is hard…and I am liking him again…and we’re talking again…he’s telling me his plans, his next steps…and I am listening. no great input, just listening because I’ve come to learn that’s all he needs sometimes. is for me to listen…to him…hear his words.

and I want him to come and sit and I want him to just be.  and I want to make him a cup of tea the way he likes it, the way he says only I can fix for him….and we don’t have to hold hands or even touch, I’m o.k. with him just being there…and I want to write him letters and poetic texts and I want him to send the same and make me reread them because the way he writes to me at times confuses me…or stumps me…leaves me amazed…and I want to send him music and have him start a battle by sending one back noted with “top this”… and I want to accept the challenge…. and it’s all simple and yet meaningful and ….and this scares me…because I’ve been here -no, we’ve been here- before…we’ve done this. all of this….or have we?  why am I o.k. with all this.

because he showed up.  because he shows up.  all I have to do is call… he told me this “all you have to do is call…”.  he’s following through with this.  he’s following through.

because he has yet to disappoint me this time around… and I don’t care when days and days go by and we don’t communicate…..because …..  all I have to do is call…

and they say not to “go backwards…going there with him again will be a backwards move”…. but how is it backwards if I never moved?

I never moved. and according to him, he never left.  it was me all along.  running away as usual.  I never moved. he never left.

save me someone.  from me. I’m looking at this hamster wheel …this rollercoaster….. and it’s not looking so bad right now.

someone save me… please….from me.

Carry On

I writing today -not because I had a sweet desire to to write like I usually do…I write because it’s a part of my process to carry on.  I didn’t show up at my dad’s church for father’s day because I was excited to drive from 40 minutes on Sunday morning, but because it’s a part of my process to carry on.  I stayed home all of Saturday not because there was nothing to do, but because it was my one day to not carry on….and yet, I carried on…because regardless of what’s happening, my baby still expects me to be mom.  “Mom, I’m hungry. Mom I want my milk. Mom, let’s read.  mom let’s dance.” I carry on.  I worked from home on Friday because there was so much to do locally…..I needed to carry on. I didn’t drive to work on Thursday morning because I am oh so strong, but because I know I needed to carry on.  This was not the time to pause.

but

When the front left bumper of his car collided into the passenger side of mine on Wednesday….. I stopped.  I thought, my baby is in the car with me.   Everything stopped. in that moment that felt like many minutes, was only a few seconds. I stopped.  I pulled over and saw that she was just fine, still playing with her tablet.  Just as calm as ever.  Called 911. Followed their instructions. I remained so calm.  And then

I carried on.

He pulled over. But he didn’t wait around for the police to arrive.  I got no information from him. My family/friends were mad at him for me, but more so grateful that baby and I were safe.  My daughter’s father just happened to be passing right by me moments after this happened…..stayed with me and baby through the process.  Made sure we were alright.  After the police left, then he left. And then I carried on.

I got home and told my brother and my daughter what happened, got on the phone with the insurance company, submitted my claim.  While I was on the phone with them I figured “why not feed the two birds out of the same bowl?” so I asked and was connected to the other department and I added my daughter -and her car that she just got- to my insurance.  I need to know that -heaven forbid- she gets into a wreck, she’s covered.  Then I bathed and fed my baby.  and, I carried on.

I forgot to eat…not until 24hours later…but I went through the motions.  The next day I got up and came to work.  I wanted no parts of the usual, but I felt I needed to go support my friend as he gave his speech and I needed to be here for the ice-breaker.  Once that was done, I was done.  I continued through the motions for the rest of the day….  I carried on.

My experience was minor.  The baby and I are fine.  There was no trauma. The people that I have to deal with -from the officer who responded to the adjusters- are all God sent.  I’m not mad at the young man who left the scene….who left us behind….I have to believe that he had his reasons to not want to deal with the police.  I only pray that he’s alright.

I am not here to give you any insightful words on how to carry on.  I have no words of wisdom on the paths to take.   What I know is every experience offers choices on how to react and how to carry on.  I can’t tell you how to do that. I only can tell you that with great people in your life, true love, absolute support, you too can carry on.

carry on

 

Spiraling

I thought about the different ways I wanted to write this.  how vague I could be.  I started and deleted. because it was so vague it almost made no sense.  so instead of vague, I’ll be transparent.

Truth: Sometimes I spiral.  not physically. and not even mentally.  but more so emotionally.  I’m not crying or screaming (probably on the inside) or displaying any negative actions.  but I reach.  My spiraling comes in moments when I need some attention.   from the opposite sex.  so I text. nope, I don’t call. because that requires more emotion.  I text.  because I can either ignore their responses or accept it -based on the tone and the path.  sigh.  I spiral.  not for a few minutes or an hour, but for what seems like an entire work day.

by the time I get home, if I check my text log I will have seen logs from three or four guys. and the one with the most messages is the one who was available to give me the attention I needed for that day.

and then months will go by. I carry on my days like the superwoman I am.  Girl on fire that I be.  Giving my attention and my all to all who need me.  and then suddenly, I’l find myself spiraling. reaching.

could this be my way of refilling?  re-energizing?  Every few months I pull the energy I need, so I can in turn give the energy that is required of me?

I don’t know what it is.  I wish I didn’t have these spiraling…reaching moments.  Then again, I need these moments.  to spiral.

spiral

 

Not MY Orlando…

I will never forget that Sunday morning, a year ago.  I woke up to such chaos and sadness on my tv…and I simply waited….to hear where this was taking place…Not My Orlando.  The memory alone has me tearing up all over again as I type…. The news anchors…they were so sad…. “….Pulse Nightclub….downtown Orlando….shooting….dead…injured….. many taken to hospitals….

Not MY Orlando.

Friends waiting to hear if/where their loved ones are…. There was this one mom…she couldn’t find her son. He wasn’t answering his phone…. I felt like I was waiting with her.  I remember looking at my baby sleeping and silently thanking God through my tears.  I remember thinking how my older one was peacefully sleeping in her room…no clue as to what had happened.  Then I started thinking of who I knew…that could have possibly been there that night…so I sent texts: “I just want to know you’re o.k.”.   The replies came in, “yes I’m fine. I wasn’t there…but I lost a friend…”  tears.  What caused this?  What could have POSSIBLY triggered such an act?  What did any of them do to YOU?  They simply went out to celebrate…have fun….and YOU stopped it.  stopped them.  why?

…hours later and that mom was still waiting… her son still hadn’t answered his phone…

so many phones ringing…  I remember one of the news anchors saying this….imagining the first responders on scene…hearing the phones ringing.  tears.   As the day went on, the count increased.  I think I cried with each new face that went up on that tv screen.  I remember driving to work that Monday… the air felt different…the closer I got to Orlando that morning, the darker the clouds seemed…the quieter the streets felt…. driving through…there was just a heaviness.  that day, social media posted even more faces….and I cried again.  I raised one of my kids here for some years.  Any of her friends could have been there…. this is our Orlando.  I remember she brought one of her friends to me…the friend sat and said “mom…I think I’m bisexual”  and I asked “does your mom know” and she basically said “no, I can’t tell her this…she wouldn’t accept me…I need to figure this out”  and I simply said “o.k…. eventually you’ll have to tell her.  but until then, just know, I will NEVER look at you sideways or think any less of you.”

Orlando strong.

Is.

People strong.

Is.

Support Strong.

One year later.  and I’m crying at the thought…the memory.  So I can’t even begin to imagine the pain of those who lost their loved ones. ORLANDO STRONG.  posted high and often.  Worn with PRIDE.  ORLANDO STRONG.  you see it.  you hear of it.  but to see it…. it’s different thing all together.

Orlando is strong.

   ORLANDO STRONG.

MY ORLANDO IS STRONG.

The other day…the bombing at the concert in England….Another mom waiting to hear from her daughter…couldn’t contact her…cell phone ringing…. I cried…I heard myself say “this is Pulse all over again.” …kids, gathered up to enjoy themselves…have a great time…and then…. 

I don’t think I have much more to say…or maybe I have too much to say…. but I know I have to stop now… because…. tears…. and I have work to do…. and I need to be able to see what I’m doing.  Can’t do this  through tears….not today.

Orlando Strong

What is the going rate for Integrity?

Strange question, I’m sure.  However, I find it necessary to pose it.

The other day, while in conversation with one of my core friends, she stated that if offered a certain amount of money, she would -without hesitation- become a Trump supporter.  Now, this is not a moment about politics.   If you are a supporter of one party,  because you just don’t support the stance of the other, then fine.  If you switch political parties because you believe that your political needs are better met/supported by another party, then fine.  However, if you switch parties simply because you’ve been offered a substantial amount of money, then -for what it’s worth- you lose my respect.
As a female person of color, supporting any racist/sexist/misogynist simply because the money is right…well, this calls to question your integrity.  What is your standard? What is your limit? At what point is money not enough to sway your beliefs?

money hungry