is simple: I’m o.k. I don’t have time or space to entertain… I have no desire to make time for after hours conversation. Once I get home, I’m home. My phone goes one way and I go another. The thought of having to close my door to have a conversation with… or to talk after the baby goes to sleep…. it feels more like a chore/task… I just don’t have that in me right now.
Maybe when I meet that guy -the right guy- the one who piques my curiosity/interest, who makes me want to dig deep and learn about him, the one who the sparks fly with… that one. That one I’ll have time for. That one I won’t have to make time for because our time for each other will come naturally. That one.
For now, I’m o.k. I’m at peace. I’m happy.
This is my truth.
via Daily Prompt: Hideout
My hideout is not a hotel room on the beach. it’s not a cabin in the mountains. not a second home in the hills. nor a tiny house on the countryside.
this is my hideout. here on my blog. I come here for mental escape. right smack in the middle of the workday, while writing test cases and feeling like I’m stuck; no idea what the next format of driver’s license should be to test…wondering if I covered all the possible scenarios: My brain hurts and I need to get away, I come here. I come here in the middle of the night when everyone’s asleep and the house is quiet: I can’t sleep and my mind won’t slow down, I come here. I come here while patiently waiting in line at the deli: there are multiple conversations going on and it almost sounds like chaos. I come here.
This is my hideout. My place where I can be found by those searching for me if -and only if- I allow it.
I’m going through something…feeling some type of way…I am losing grip of my writing again and so I’m grabbing. I want to tell you what I’m feeling right now, in this moment. But I still treasure discretion in such a way that I still limit myself from absolute transparency…to you. To the people who don’t even know my name. never seen my face. What is this fear? Is it even fear? OR is it my upbringing? “Like a gold ring in a pig’s snout is a beautiful woman without discretion.” Proverbs 11:22. Yes, I am beautiful and you can’t make me think otherwise. And yes, I value discretion. I honor it.
So, I’ll tell you this: I am on a path. I know what I expect to see at the end of this path. I know what my expected results are. I have to stay on track. There are many side streets and rest stops along this path. However, I’m not tired yet.
When there’s something “unusual” that makes even the doctors tilt their heads to the sides in the confused-puppy look and they put you on medication with the instruction to come back in a couple weeks… “if it’s gone, great. If not, then we’ll know how to proceed.” Breathe.
You keep on going because even though it remains at the forefront of your mind, you have no time to worry about it. You look at your children and you know you have to keep going. You hear your parents inquire about it and you know there’s concern…so you answer and soothe their fears “I’m o.k it’s getting better” and it’s the truth. Should it be much further along in the “better”? Yep. But you keep that to yourself. No need in having them worry. And while you’re parenting and working and parenting and planning, you’re also making all the necessary doctor appointments because you need all of them to be on the same page. No confusion.
You keep on going even though the process is slow, it’s steady. You keep on going. You keep on living.