addicted to knowledge

Hi, I’m Dee and I’m addicted to knowledge.

This year alone, I’ve become addicted to politics and now TED Talks, and possibly podcasts; that’s still up in the air.

I completely blame the people of this Great America (made “great again” by the current leader) for my addiction to politics.  Never before this most recent election was I ever sincerely interested in politics.  But there was so much wrong and outrageous about this election and it’s candidates that I found myself glued to the news -tv, radio and internet-  for updates on points and who’s favorable and who’s not and how tired are the people of the same old politics and their desire for something/someone new….to the point that they made such a strange/outrageous/desperate/interesting choice.  And so after the choice was made, I then became addicted to keeping up with his doings.  and dear lord, he has kept this great America quite “entertained”.  Life on a whole has pulled me away from keeping up with politics as much as I have over the past 9 or 10 months.  But I don’t think I’ve lost my now embedded interest.  I’m hooked.

I love intelligence. I love hearing people speak intelligently.  I love reading intelligence written in various forms from poetry to prose to blogs (which is why I chose wordpress) to short stories to books.  I love being invited to share their thoughts/beliefs/views/opinions intelligently.  I have said it once and I’ll say it a million times, intelligence is a requirement for whichever men I date.  they don’t have to have a BA, MS, PhD, (preferred but not required) but he has to be able to initiate and hold intelligent conversations.  Hence my addiction to TED Talks. I absolutely love listening to these speeches (every one of the those I’ve listened so far…purposely selected).  Also, I am a member of the Toastmasters International Club and listening to these various speeches from a wide array of people from different levels and places  is a great attraction for me.

Now podcasts.  this is still new….kinda.  It’s like listening to tv as opposed to watching it.  I listened to one “Homecoming” a couple days ago.  listened as I worked. I was hooked at the first episode and listened to all six episodes.  now looking forward to season 2.  I’ve done a quick search to see what else is out there to catch my interests, but nothing yet.  I’ll go back to my Flipboard article and see what is recommended.

So yea, hi.  I’m Dee.  and I’m an addict…of KNOWLEDGE.  because knowledge is power and we have become powerless and the more the days go by, the more power we lose and we’ve become so inundated by foolishness of 3a.m. tweets by our “fearless” leader and whether or not he did wrong and whether or not his son did wrong and whether or not he’s going to make it through the full 4 years or if he’ll be voted in for a second term and we’re so involved in this political reality tv show that we are no longer aware of what WE ARE NOT AWARE OF.   but then we take the time to listen and get caught up and brush up on what we aren’t aware of and it’s so deep and dark and sad and crazy and ridiculous and sad and sad and sad……that we willingly, voluntarily go back to purposely being inundated….. and this is where  the addiction comes in.  you come out of it to deal with reality and reality is too much to handle, so you go back under…

I’m addicted to knowledge, not because I don’t want to deal.  I’m addicted because I want to be aware. Our political climate is nuts, but what else is going on? How are others viewing this? What are their thoughts and opinions on this?  How can I best navigate around/through this? How can I help my daughters through this.  I’m constantly in a “need to know” mode.

So yes, again, I’m Dee, and I’m an addict, of Knowledge.

knowledge

the milk is done

and no one called to say “hey while you’re out, pick some up” knowing that I have this baby who needs her milk. knowing that they use the milk just as much as she does. the milk is done. and as I pour the last of it in her bottle I feel myself get mad. I’m mad because it’s done and I thought ahead to purchase another bottle, but if I hadn’t, this would be it. and I would fuss and they would look at me like “well, why are you carrying on like this. we didn’t mean it. you know we didn’t mean it. it’s not big deal.”  the milk is done. and I’m mad.  and I feel the pressure in my chest and head and I stop and breathe because I realize it’s not about the milk being done. it’s not about there not being enough milk. it’s about me being tired. it’s not about them not thinking enough, it’s about me always having to think ahead.  it’s not about the milk not being enough. it’s about me not being enough. or feeling like I’m not.  It’s about me continuously being in planning mode -continuously checking my “gps for the best and fastest route” to take, while everyone else is in cruise-control.  It’s about me trying and ending up in these proverbial traffic jams…watching the time and wondering when will I get to where I want/need to be.  Why are they in cruise control?  why don’t they care?   It’s about me constantly putting myself off, constantly putting my needs off. constantly putting what everyone else needs and thinks ahead of what I need.

who taught me to do that? where did I learn that trait?

It’s about me continuously counseling myself. continuously in my own head ….this is o.k. ….. God is giving you all that you need to survive these moments.  even the the gps moments….to think ahead to stop and pick up the milk and the bread …… because you are the provider.  God provides for you so you can provide for your household. He gives you the strength to do it all.

the milk was done and so was I.

because in that moment all I saw was me doing…..and doing…..and thinking….and planning…..

and after placing my palms on the counter and taking a deep breath and counseled myself into the “everything is o.k…..things could be a lot worst….my home is still my safe haven that I look forward to being in”… I continued.

the milk was done. but I wasn’t.  I continued my nightly chores and got ready for the next day.  I continued my moment of mom and head-of-household.  I continued planning and moving.  I continued.

milk is done

Mental break

I need to log in and check this child’s grades. Make sure everything is everything.

Grey’s Anatomy was good last night, but Scandal was better.

I need to order that new case for the baby’s tablet or it’s not going to last long.

Today is Friday, so we hang out with my parents all evening: I look forward to this, but I think they look more forward to it than we do 🙂

Grocery shopping…laundry… I need to get that done but not tomorrow. I’m too tired. I just need one day of no travel whatsoever.

My shoulders are super tense.  I’m having little spasms in the left one periodically. it sucks.  I really need to schedule a massage

I wonder how hot is outside? did it actually rain?

I really have to figure out a better sleep schedule for me and this baby. I don’t think either one of us is getting enough sleep at night.

How am I tired of the Pandora stations I created? how can                                        anyone get tired of music? how is this possible?
I’ll listen to some soca when I get in the car. that will give me energy.

Erykah Badu’s “stay” just came on.  yep. that’ll do for now.  Maybe “certainly” will play soon. I love that song.

My upper back hurts.
dude says I just need a really good orgasm and I’ll be back to my old self.
(eyeroll).
how is that the solution???
but he may not be so wrong 😉

When am I going to stop wearing this ring? smh.  Quit blocking myself?

I need a couple new nighties. something that doesn’t slip and slide and turn                 every which way while I sleep.  who the hell came up with the idea of satin nighties anyways?  I need something long. soft. cotton. Or maybe just a great t-shirt will do.

My shoulders…ugh!

it’s Friday. When I get home, put the baby to sleep, and settle in, I get to put on some excitingly violent kung-fu flick, get a small glass of baileys. fall asleep 20 minutes into the movie, wake up at 3:00 a.m, hit replay then fast forward past the 20 minutes I already watched, watch 3 minutes, fall back asleep.  It’s madness, but I really like at least making the attempt at “me time”.

Lemme get back to di people dem wuk.  get these documents done before 5:30. cause I’m pretty sure I’m not staying here past that today.

Here ends this mental break.

mental break

 

 

the visit

standing there, you see it’s beauty.  the site of it. the thought of it.  it looks cold. but it’s beautiful. you came for this. to get away from the lights and sounds and demands of the everyday routine. you came for this. to release the accumulated stress and tension.  you came for this.  it’s been on your mind for so long. you go to bed thinking of it. you wake up almost feeling it. and so you came. for this. do you enter? or do you simply stand and admire.  build up the courage. what if you like it. enjoy it. love it so much you don’t want to leave. but that’s crazy thinking… you know eventually you’ll have to go… but you brush those thoughts away.  because you are here.  you really didn’t come to just see… you came because you needed this…. you needed to enter. so you do… and it’s not cold at all. it’s warm. and it enfolds you. the deeper you go, the warmer you feel. the more you wonder why you’ve waited so long.  it is so worth it. it’s why you came. and there’s something about this that is relaxing. soothing. even though in this moment with all your muscles tensed, locked… your body is actively peaceful and your mind is gone. so gone…. this is why you came. and now that you know, you will keep…coming. as long as it’s in your reach. you will come. again. you are mad at yourself for hesitating for so long.  but in this moment, you can’t even afford any negative vibe toward yourself or anyone else. because in this moment, you. are. gone. and everything is good. and the world is at peace. and you are at peace. and you are glad you came.  and you linger for as long as you can before you exit…

oh look. it’s starting to rain. might as well go back in. again. it only makes sense.

the ocean

What is the going rate for Integrity?

Strange question, I’m sure.  However, I find it necessary to pose it.

The other day, while in conversation with one of my core friends, she stated that if offered a certain amount of money, she would -without hesitation- become a Trump supporter.  Now, this is not a moment about politics.   If you are a supporter of one party,  because you just don’t support the stance of the other, then fine.  If you switch political parties because you believe that your political needs are better met/supported by another party, then fine.  However, if you switch parties simply because you’ve been offered a substantial amount of money, then -for what it’s worth- you lose my respect.
As a female person of color, supporting any racist/sexist/misogynist simply because the money is right…well, this calls to question your integrity.  What is your standard? What is your limit? At what point is money not enough to sway your beliefs?

money hungry

seeing a grown man cry

Have you ever seen a grown man cry? I mean, breakdown and sob.  I mean, see his tears and hear his moans and know that in that moment his blood pressure lowered, because what all he was holding/keeping/ignoring/suppressing is now being released through his tears.  When is the last time you saw a grown man cry? That does something to you.  Something shifts.  You realize you only know what he’s told you, but the rest has been kept hidden because, you know… we all know… “that a man ain’t supposed to cry”  not a “real” man anyways. goodness.  Who comes up with these rules?  Because Real Men (whatever this description is) break.  They get tired sometimes. They cry.

here’s what I know: I know that when a man drinks a lot of liquor he becomes emotional. Hear me when I say, I’ve seen a grown man cry plenty times.  I used to break with him.  he cries, I cried.  Plenty times. However, it got to the point where when it happened I simply turned away and kept on doing whatever the task was, or create a task or simply exit the environment.  Sometimes with a strong eye-roll.  It may sound odd, but that did something me. That shifted something in me.   Did it shift my sympathy? No.  At least I don’t think so…  but something shifted….

When I see a grown man break and cry, I can stand and be the shoulder he needs to cry on. I can honor the fact that this moment is significant.  I am wise enough to know that he’s not crying because he has nothing better to do.  I am present enough to not push for answers, but to simply allow the moment to be a simple as it is.  He needed this time. Let it be.

Now my mom? she tells a story of how when I was a toddler, she was doing her normal afternoon prayer, and there I was kneeling next to her. when she was done I looked up at her and said “mommy, you didn’t pray good today”  she said “why baby?” to which I replied “you didn’t cry this time” 🙂  That’s when my momma cries. during prayer.   So if/when she breaks outside of prayer, THAT breaks me.

But seeing a grown man cry…something has shifted in me…. and I don’t know if I can get it back.

tears of a man

believe him

you met a guy.  this guy is one of the many that you smile and say hello to during your daily routine.  one day he finally stops and asks your name. conversation happens. you become a part of each other’s daily communication.  From the start, he tells you “listen, I’m not looking for a relationship (BELIEVE HIM); I’m not even trying to push for a friendship (BELIEVE HIM). I just want to get to know you and see where it leads.” TAKE IT AS FACE VALUE.  Don’t try to cipher what he could mean or what it might change to after a month.

Now, me? I hear it. I say, “Sir, we just met.  please don’t assume that I’m looking for anything from you”.  I hear it for what it is.  “Girl, don’t apply him seriously at all.  He’s not looking for anything. Has absolutely no intentions towards you. Respect that.  Choose wisely how you proceed. Keep him at a very safe distance.”  But that’s just me.

However, I know of women who -at “hey what’s your name?”- start matching his last name to their first name.  Whyyyyyy? all the man said was “hey, what’s your name?”.  To him, he simply can now say “hey Kim, how are you today?” instead of the generic “how are you?”.  Or “Hi Tonya, good to see you. Enjoy the rest of your day.”  But some of us, we’ve already figured how to introduce him to the parents and planned a dinner so our closest friends can meet him.  And then we get so heart broken when we make ourselves so available to him that he gets tired of us after a week and avoids you like the plague in the hallways.  We take the joy out of the “hunt” or the chase.  We block them from doing what comes naturally to them. No need to go duck hunting when the duck is waiting for you at your car when you leave work.  No need to go bear hunting when the Bear is friending you (and some of your friends) on all your social network pages.

Ladies, when he says “I’m not looking for anything right now” BELIEVE HIM.  Don’t make yourself available for when he decides that his “right now” has passed.  Carry on with your day. Move on with life as usual.  Honor his honesty.  Save yourself the unnecessary bs.  Try not to set a wedding date at “hello”.

Good day.

crazy

“I carry you in my spirit”

The first time I heard this I was watching Tyler Perry’s “Diary of a Mad Black Woman” and I thought goodness, that’s deep.  But let me tell you, it’s a thing. It really is a thing.

I realized that when I have a strong connection to you -my child/sibling/parent/father of my child/bestfriend- and you are going through something, once you let me know about it, and it’s heavy, I will carry it. depending on the depth/strength of the connection, sometimes the person doesn’t even have to let me know…but I’ll know. and I’ll carry it. walk away with it. sleep on it. wake up with it. and depending on the weight of it, the next day I will feel an extreme heaviness in my spirit and have to stop and think where it’s coming from…then remember…I’m carrying him/her in my spirit.

and it’s rough

I’ll sometimes feel that this assignment is hard… why am I hurting for this person when they’re not even aware of the severity of their own situation?

so I pray. “God listen. you already know the situation. I’m praying that you help “x” through this situation. give him/her wisdom to navigate successfully.  and please give me the wisdom to know when to speak, listen and shut up and leave them be. Amen”

Each person has a gift and a purpose.  “I carry you in my spirit“.  I don’t know if that’s a gift… but I know it’s a thing. and its real.

I carry you in my spirit