Mental break

I need to log in and check this child’s grades. Make sure everything is everything.

Grey’s Anatomy was good last night, but Scandal was better.

I need to order that new case for the baby’s tablet or it’s not going to last long.

Today is Friday, so we hang out with my parents all evening: I look forward to this, but I think they look more forward to it than we do 🙂

Grocery shopping…laundry… I need to get that done but not tomorrow. I’m too tired. I just need one day of no travel whatsoever.

My shoulders are super tense.  I’m having little spasms in the left one periodically. it sucks.  I really need to schedule a massage

I wonder how hot is outside? did it actually rain?

I really have to figure out a better sleep schedule for me and this baby. I don’t think either one of us is getting enough sleep at night.

How am I tired of the Pandora stations I created? how can                                        anyone get tired of music? how is this possible?
I’ll listen to some soca when I get in the car. that will give me energy.

Erykah Badu’s “stay” just came on.  yep. that’ll do for now.  Maybe “certainly” will play soon. I love that song.

My upper back hurts.
dude says I just need a really good orgasm and I’ll be back to my old self.
(eyeroll).
how is that the solution???
but he may not be so wrong 😉

When am I going to stop wearing this ring? smh.  Quit blocking myself?

I need a couple new nighties. something that doesn’t slip and slide and turn                 every which way while I sleep.  who the hell came up with the idea of satin nighties anyways?  I need something long. soft. cotton. Or maybe just a great t-shirt will do.

My shoulders…ugh!

it’s Friday. When I get home, put the baby to sleep, and settle in, I get to put on some excitingly violent kung-fu flick, get a small glass of baileys. fall asleep 20 minutes into the movie, wake up at 3:00 a.m, hit replay then fast forward past the 20 minutes I already watched, watch 3 minutes, fall back asleep.  It’s madness, but I really like at least making the attempt at “me time”.

Lemme get back to di people dem wuk.  get these documents done before 5:30. cause I’m pretty sure I’m not staying here past that today.

Here ends this mental break.

mental break

 

 

the visit

standing there, you see it’s beauty.  the site of it. the thought of it.  it looks cold. but it’s beautiful. you came for this. to get away from the lights and sounds and demands of the everyday routine. you came for this. to release the accumulated stress and tension.  you came for this.  it’s been on your mind for so long. you go to bed thinking of it. you wake up almost feeling it. and so you came. for this. do you enter? or do you simply stand and admire.  build up the courage. what if you like it. enjoy it. love it so much you don’t want to leave. but that’s crazy thinking… you know eventually you’ll have to go… but you brush those thoughts away.  because you are here.  you really didn’t come to just see… you came because you needed this…. you needed to enter. so you do… and it’s not cold at all. it’s warm. and it enfolds you. the deeper you go, the warmer you feel. the more you wonder why you’ve waited so long.  it is so worth it. it’s why you came. and there’s something about this that is relaxing. soothing. even though in this moment with all your muscles tensed, locked… your body is actively peaceful and your mind is gone. so gone…. this is why you came. and now that you know, you will keep…coming. as long as it’s in your reach. you will come. again. you are mad at yourself for hesitating for so long.  but in this moment, you can’t even afford any negative vibe toward yourself or anyone else. because in this moment, you. are. gone. and everything is good. and the world is at peace. and you are at peace. and you are glad you came.  and you linger for as long as you can before you exit…

oh look. it’s starting to rain. might as well go back in. again. it only makes sense.

the ocean

What is the going rate for Integrity?

Strange question, I’m sure.  However, I find it necessary to pose it.

The other day, while in conversation with one of my core friends, she stated that if offered a certain amount of money, she would -without hesitation- become a Trump supporter.  Now, this is not a moment about politics.   If you are a supporter of one party,  because you just don’t support the stance of the other, then fine.  If you switch political parties because you believe that your political needs are better met/supported by another party, then fine.  However, if you switch parties simply because you’ve been offered a substantial amount of money, then -for what it’s worth- you lose my respect.
As a female person of color, supporting any racist/sexist/misogynist simply because the money is right…well, this calls to question your integrity.  What is your standard? What is your limit? At what point is money not enough to sway your beliefs?

money hungry

seeing a grown man cry

Have you ever seen a grown man cry? I mean, breakdown and sob.  I mean, see his tears and hear his moans and know that in that moment his blood pressure lowered, because what all he was holding/keeping/ignoring/suppressing is now being released through his tears.  When is the last time you saw a grown man cry? That does something to you.  Something shifts.  You realize you only know what he’s told you, but the rest has been kept hidden because, you know… we all know… “that a man ain’t supposed to cry”  not a “real” man anyways. goodness.  Who comes up with these rules?  Because Real Men (whatever this description is) break.  They get tired sometimes. They cry.

here’s what I know: I know that when a man drinks a lot of liquor he becomes emotional. Hear me when I say, I’ve seen a grown man cry plenty times.  I used to break with him.  he cries, I cried.  Plenty times. However, it got to the point where when it happened I simply turned away and kept on doing whatever the task was, or create a task or simply exit the environment.  Sometimes with a strong eye-roll.  It may sound odd, but that did something me. That shifted something in me.   Did it shift my sympathy? No.  At least I don’t think so…  but something shifted….

When I see a grown man break and cry, I can stand and be the shoulder he needs to cry on. I can honor the fact that this moment is significant.  I am wise enough to know that he’s not crying because he has nothing better to do.  I am present enough to not push for answers, but to simply allow the moment to be a simple as it is.  He needed this time. Let it be.

Now my mom? she tells a story of how when I was a toddler, she was doing her normal afternoon prayer, and there I was kneeling next to her. when she was done I looked up at her and said “mommy, you didn’t pray good today”  she said “why baby?” to which I replied “you didn’t cry this time” 🙂  That’s when my momma cries. during prayer.   So if/when she breaks outside of prayer, THAT breaks me.

But seeing a grown man cry…something has shifted in me…. and I don’t know if I can get it back.

tears of a man

believe him

you met a guy.  this guy is one of the many that you smile and say hello to during your daily routine.  one day he finally stops and asks your name. conversation happens. you become a part of each other’s daily communication.  From the start, he tells you “listen, I’m not looking for a relationship (BELIEVE HIM); I’m not even trying to push for a friendship (BELIEVE HIM). I just want to get to know you and see where it leads.” TAKE IT AS FACE VALUE.  Don’t try to cipher what he could mean or what it might change to after a month.

Now, me? I hear it. I say, “Sir, we just met.  please don’t assume that I’m looking for anything from you”.  I hear it for what it is.  “Girl, don’t apply him seriously at all.  He’s not looking for anything. Has absolutely no intentions towards you. Respect that.  Choose wisely how you proceed. Keep him at a very safe distance.”  But that’s just me.

However, I know of women who -at “hey what’s your name?”- start matching his last name to their first name.  Whyyyyyy? all the man said was “hey, what’s your name?”.  To him, he simply can now say “hey Kim, how are you today?” instead of the generic “how are you?”.  Or “Hi Tonya, good to see you. Enjoy the rest of your day.”  But some of us, we’ve already figured how to introduce him to the parents and planned a dinner so our closest friends can meet him.  And then we get so heart broken when we make ourselves so available to him that he gets tired of us after a week and avoids you like the plague in the hallways.  We take the joy out of the “hunt” or the chase.  We block them from doing what comes naturally to them. No need to go duck hunting when the duck is waiting for you at your car when you leave work.  No need to go bear hunting when the Bear is friending you (and some of your friends) on all your social network pages.

Ladies, when he says “I’m not looking for anything right now” BELIEVE HIM.  Don’t make yourself available for when he decides that his “right now” has passed.  Carry on with your day. Move on with life as usual.  Honor his honesty.  Save yourself the unnecessary bs.  Try not to set a wedding date at “hello”.

Good day.

crazy

“I carry you in my spirit”

The first time I heard this I was watching Tyler Perry’s “Diary of a Mad Black Woman” and I thought goodness, that’s deep.  But let me tell you, it’s a thing. It really is a thing.

I realized that when I have a strong connection to you -my child/sibling/parent/father of my child/bestfriend- and you are going through something, once you let me know about it, and it’s heavy, I will carry it. depending on the depth/strength of the connection, sometimes the person doesn’t even have to let me know…but I’ll know. and I’ll carry it. walk away with it. sleep on it. wake up with it. and depending on the weight of it, the next day I will feel an extreme heaviness in my spirit and have to stop and think where it’s coming from…then remember…I’m carrying him/her in my spirit.

and it’s rough

I’ll sometimes feel that this assignment is hard… why am I hurting for this person when they’re not even aware of the severity of their own situation?

so I pray. “God listen. you already know the situation. I’m praying that you help “x” through this situation. give him/her wisdom to navigate successfully.  and please give me the wisdom to know when to speak, listen and shut up and leave them be. Amen”

Each person has a gift and a purpose.  “I carry you in my spirit“.  I don’t know if that’s a gift… but I know it’s a thing. and its real.

I carry you in my spirit

just thinking….

…of the history lessons. The books. The movies.  The depictions. The portrayals. The stories brought to life. and I wonder….what the stories were…the legends of the “white monster” or the “white ghosts” who came and took them, their loved ones away while they slept, worked, walked home from visiting…. I wonder what the stories were that were told to the children as they grew older. The stories that went from generation to generation.  don’t go into the woods alone because the “white ghosts” will take you …. Or don’t go down to the river by yourself because the white monsters with their blazing sticks of fire will snatch you…   Which brings me to now.  Where are our missing children/women? Our browns and blacks?  Amistad. Roots. Underground.  What’s happening to our people? Taken. Get Out.  How are they just gone and life continues? Ghost of Mississippi. Mississippi Burning. To Kill a Mockingbird.  What’s going on? Call + Response.  Not My Life.  Is this really happening?  Could it really be happening all over again? Where are they?!?!?! Are they screaming for help? Or silently complying; praying for someone to search hard enough and rescue them.  Or have they simply given in to whatever life now is?  The Day My God Died.

How did they do it all?!

Today I am tired because yesterday I did what turned out to be “too much”.  Of course during the “doing” I didn’t think of the possibility of too much; I was simply doing what needed to be done. My day started at 6:00a.m and ended at approximately 2:00a.m this morning. Then I was back up again at 6:15 to continue “doing”.  I look back at yesterday with no regrets, because things got done. Everyone’s request to me was met. I slept -briefly, but slept nonetheless.  And I’m tired. with Purpose.

and so I think….

how did they do it??? our ancestors. the slaves? how did they do it all?!

no cars. no ac. no down-feather comforters. no leather jackets with wool lining. no boots. no maxi-pads or tampons. no diapers and wipes. no baby powder. no deodorants. no pocketbooks/handbags to put them in.  no Dove body wash. no bath and body works lotion/mist/perfume.  again I say: no maxi-pads or tampons! HOW. DID. THEY. DO. IT?!  No marvelous wedding ceremony. no amazing reception venues.  no honeymoon for days.  Everything that needed to be done, got done right where they were. right where they stood. right where they worked.  And somehow it got done. all of it. all the requests/expectations were met daily. It got done.

no headphones plugged into some device so small and convenient, yet so huge so as to give you the sounds you needed to get through the day.  the music was there. within them. their hearts and minds. their souls.  Songs lived. filled. the “holes in their souls”. music. prayer. hope. faith. filled the holes left by the children/spouses/parents/friends taken away.

and the women. those women. our women. the amazing, marvelous, miraculous, magical, spectacularly beautiful, strong, divinely powerful women. They did it all. without the leather jackets with wool lining, boots, maxi-pads or tampons or pain-relievers. without the diapers and wipes. without the baby powder. and no pocketbooks/handbags to put them in.  no Dove body wash. no bath and body works lotion/mist/perfume.  These astoundingly superior women got their work done, with the baby tied to their backs, and the toddler at their feet. They breastfed their own and the ones not even in their bloodline.  They helped deliver the babies and tend to the sick. all this sometimes in one day. laid their babies down to rest. prayed over and for them.  and possibly got an hour or two of rest themselves.  Then got right back up and did it all again.   These women made the choice many times over to run for the unknown/unfamiliar freedom? or “stick to the evil you know”?   these decisions… what’s best for them? for their children?  How did they do it?  daily? These women. These stunning, intense, brilliant, indestructible, fervent women. They did it all.

So today I am tired. With Purpose. and I give honor and gratitude to my ancestors, for being steadfast.  Sonorous. Allowing this strength to ring out from generation to generation.  Nothing I do compares to  what they’ve done, but I do know I couldn’t do/accomplish any of this , had it not been for ALL that they did.  Had it not been for their determination, tenacity and Love for themselves, their children, their children to come, the children unknown.

…so she said…

No horns growing out her forehead; fairly easy on the eyes

Dresses well

Educated

Ambitious

Good mom

Dependable/loyal -not like a puppy or a car, but just a good chic to have in one’s life

Keeps her house well

Sees bulls**t for what it is and makes no excuses for it…calls it what it is. Bulls**t

He asked the dreaded question:  “…so why are you not married? what’s wrong with YOU?…”

Made her think.

And so she said, “my patience is thin.  I have no time to help you figure you out, and then help you learn me.  I don’t want to try to ignore your bulls**t in the hopes that you’ll choose me over whatever it is that you can’t let go of.”

So she said, “I like being at peace.  I like coming home and not having anyone question my whereabouts. No one to pick arguments with me for bs reasons.”

So she said, “I know what I DON’T want to have to deal with…what I simply refuse to accept…but I’m not sure what I’m willing to work with…that still remains unknown.”

So she said, “I’m afraid to share my bathroom.  I don’t want to have to walk in and smell someone else’s s**t”

So she said, “I love having the space in my bed for my kids and sisters and friends to just jump into and talk without worrying if he feels… -out of place-”

So she said, “I love having my bed to myself… “the world is mine, when I wake up. I don’t need nobody telling me the time.”

So she said.