Spiraling

I thought about the different ways I wanted to write this.  how vague I could be.  I started and deleted. because it was so vague it almost made no sense.  so instead of vague, I’ll be transparent.

Truth: Sometimes I spiral.  not physically. and not even mentally.  but more so emotionally.  I’m not crying or screaming (probably on the inside) or displaying any negative actions.  but I reach.  My spiraling comes in moments when I need some attention.   from the opposite sex.  so I text. nope, I don’t call. because that requires more emotion.  I text.  because I can either ignore their responses or accept it -based on the tone and the path.  sigh.  I spiral.  not for a few minutes or an hour, but for what seems like an entire work day.

by the time I get home, if I check my text log I will have seen logs from three or four guys. and the one with the most messages is the one who was available to give me the attention I needed for that day.

and then months will go by. I carry on my days like the superwoman I am.  Girl on fire that I be.  Giving my attention and my all to all who need me.  and then suddenly, I’l find myself spiraling. reaching.

could this be my way of refilling?  re-energizing?  Every few months I pull the energy I need, so I can in turn give the energy that is required of me?

I don’t know what it is.  I wish I didn’t have these spiraling…reaching moments.  Then again, I need these moments.  to spiral.

spiral

 

Not MY Orlando…

I will never forget that Sunday morning, a year ago.  I woke up to such chaos and sadness on my tv…and I simply waited….to hear where this was taking place…Not My Orlando.  The memory alone has me tearing up all over again as I type…. The news anchors…they were so sad…. “….Pulse Nightclub….downtown Orlando….shooting….dead…injured….. many taken to hospitals….

Not MY Orlando.

Friends waiting to hear if/where their loved ones are…. There was this one mom…she couldn’t find her son. He wasn’t answering his phone…. I felt like I was waiting with her.  I remember looking at my baby sleeping and silently thanking God through my tears.  I remember thinking how my older one was peacefully sleeping in her room…no clue as to what had happened.  Then I started thinking of who I knew…that could have possibly been there that night…so I sent texts: “I just want to know you’re o.k.”.   The replies came in, “yes I’m fine. I wasn’t there…but I lost a friend…”  tears.  What caused this?  What could have POSSIBLY triggered such an act?  What did any of them do to YOU?  They simply went out to celebrate…have fun….and YOU stopped it.  stopped them.  why?

…hours later and that mom was still waiting… her son still hadn’t answered his phone…

so many phones ringing…  I remember one of the news anchors saying this….imagining the first responders on scene…hearing the phones ringing.  tears.   As the day went on, the count increased.  I think I cried with each new face that went up on that tv screen.  I remember driving to work that Monday… the air felt different…the closer I got to Orlando that morning, the darker the clouds seemed…the quieter the streets felt…. driving through…there was just a heaviness.  that day, social media posted even more faces….and I cried again.  I raised one of my kids here for some years.  Any of her friends could have been there…. this is our Orlando.  I remember she brought one of her friends to me…the friend sat and said “mom…I think I’m bisexual”  and I asked “does your mom know” and she basically said “no, I can’t tell her this…she wouldn’t accept me…I need to figure this out”  and I simply said “o.k…. eventually you’ll have to tell her.  but until then, just know, I will NEVER look at you sideways or think any less of you.”

Orlando strong.

Is.

People strong.

Is.

Support Strong.

One year later.  and I’m crying at the thought…the memory.  So I can’t even begin to imagine the pain of those who lost their loved ones. ORLANDO STRONG.  posted high and often.  Worn with PRIDE.  ORLANDO STRONG.  you see it.  you hear of it.  but to see it…. it’s different thing all together.

Orlando is strong.

   ORLANDO STRONG.

MY ORLANDO IS STRONG.

The other day…the bombing at the concert in England….Another mom waiting to hear from her daughter…couldn’t contact her…cell phone ringing…. I cried…I heard myself say “this is Pulse all over again.” …kids, gathered up to enjoy themselves…have a great time…and then…. 

I don’t think I have much more to say…or maybe I have too much to say…. but I know I have to stop now… because…. tears…. and I have work to do…. and I need to be able to see what I’m doing.  Can’t do this  through tears….not today.

Orlando Strong

“You’re not his dream-girl”

Lesson learned years ago…

We sat in my living room talking…about what is and what could be.  He knew -without a doubt- that I was the woman for him.  It was like yet another “interview” process.  He told me all the reasons why we would be good together…all the reasons why this would work…all the reasons why he should be hired for the position.  I asked “if I’m so great, why did the others leave?”  He simply said, “because you’re not their dream-girl.”

tick. tick. BOOM!!!

what? me? But I’m great! (LOL)

He continued with “yeah baby you are, but you’re not their dream-girl.  The fact is, every man has a dream-girl.  As amazing as you are, you just can’t be every body’s dream-girl.  So they move on in search of her.  you were not their dream-girl; but you’re mine.”

tick. tick. BOOM?

Here’s the kicker.  ready for it?

I was his dream-girl, but he wasn’t my dream-guy.  for SO MANY REASONS.

So this got me thinking…. how many of us women believe that we are the dream-girl for whoever it is that we choose to be with, or whoever chooses us?  And with this belief, we end up with all the “why’s” after things don’t work out.

“Why didn’t he choose me?

Why didn’t he stay?

why didn’t he fight for us?

How dare he not acknowledge my value and my worth??!?!?!”

Have we ever stopped and thought that maybe -just maybe- he/they DID acknowledge your value and your worth and realized one of two things?

  1. you were worth more than he knew he could afford: be it financially, morally, intellectually…etc.  OR
  2. (breathe it through) you simply weren’t worth his time and effort.  (breathe it through)

Yep. that last one is hard to handle.  Cause, you know… “you are every woman.  it’s all it you”… and with this understanding, it’s always “their loss” when things don’t work out.   And then heaven forbid he finds “her”.  His dream-girl.  OH NO.  “He ain’t never gonna be as happy with her as he was with me. He’ll see it soon enough.  He’ll come running back.” 

and so we set ourselves up for the first sign/words of “I miss you”  and you open your self up so he can ‘come home’.  Or as my momma puts it “lay yourself careless”.  Not realizing that this is what YOU conjured up and even though he may run-in, he’s going to go back to her.  because.  Yes. you are not his dream-girl.  you never were.

What’s the truth?  You are someone’s dream-girl.  you are not everyone’s dream-girl.  and so the time and effort you put into  trying to be everyone’s dream-girl, you are taking away from the essence of YOU.  By the time he finds you, you’ll be so spent….tired from trying…that you may not even recognize him.  your dream-guy.

SOOOOOOOOOO the moral of the story is:

You are not everyone’s dream-girl.

If you are in the dating pool, then honor others the opportunity to seek and find.  You don’t have to holler “POLO!!” to everyone that yells “MARCO?!”   Let him/them learn you for who you really are.  not who you want him/them to learn.  Give them your truth.  Allow choices to be made and honor those choices.

true essence

Daily Prompt: Survive

How do you let go? How do you know when?  14? 17? 18? 21? What is that first night like in the house without them?  The sound of their feet on the tile?  The sound of their voices calling from clear across the house “MAAAWM!” just because.  The sound of their fingers on the touchscreen keyboard as they text away…something that is obviously very important to them. The sound of their laughter. The sound of them fussing or playing with their siblings “stawp iiit! UGH!!! MAAAWM!!!”  sigh.  You don’t really know.  You just trust that they’re ready. So you help them pack…with a heavy heart…but happy for them at the same time because you know it’s not so much about them being ready….it’s about you being ready.  Accepting that the time has come.  “It’s o.k. mom.  it’s only a few weeks. I’ll be back.”  So you pack…their suitcase with all the clothes and toiletries that you know they’ll need to survive…and their purses with enough to survive…and you pack their ears and hearts with all the warnings and cautions and advice and reminders “remember who you are…remember your manners…remember to always be aware of your surroundings…take nothing for granted….remember your upbringing: don’t deviate from it… you lead, you don’t follow.  I’m here for you no matter what. just call.” you give them all they need to survive.  you’ve given them all they’ve needed to survive.  you have to trust that.  and you pray.  you pray with them before they go to sleep the night before.  you pray over them as they sleep during that night.  you hold them and pray with them again the next morning before they leave.  and you pray after they’re gone.

……but in their absence (whatever this absence may mean) how do you survive?  you pray.  because you know the strength that is required of you is a new requirement.  A different requirement and therefore a different strength is needed.  A strength that is far beyond you.  a strength that is far above you.  because the fact is this may be only a drop in your ocean of  acceptance.  You pray.  and you live and you wait and you… survive.

survive

via Daily Prompt: Survive

Dear God

It’s Sunday morning and I’m laying here with my toddler fast asleep in my arms. Her tiny hand resting peacefully on my neck. She’s breathing ever so deep and soft. I love her. I love this moment. I thank You.

I didn’t go to church this morning because I didn’t want to. I rather allow her this time. I rather allow myself this time. Monday to Friday is a rush. You blessed me with a job/career. You blessed me with two amazing kids to care for. You blessed me with wisdom in how to manage employment and parenthood. I thank You.

I could have gotten them up and did the Sunday morning rush. Got to church. Stay for an hour. Go through the required/expected meet and greet after….but I really didn’t want to. The house is totally quiet. No tv. No radio. No voices. Just the sweet peaceful sound of my baby sleeping and the ceiling fan. I thank You.

So even though I didn’t give in to the Sunday morning ritual, please accept this moment of quiet thankfulness. It is a beautiful morning. I thank You. My children are safe and healthy. I thank You. My parents are alive and well. I thank You. My siblings and their families are employed and provided for. I thank You. My two amazing sistercousins are blessed in the way You know they needed. I thank You. When the kids wake up, there’s breakfast for them. I thank You. After that we’ll go grocery shopping. I thank You. This evening we’ll meet up with family for dinner. I thank You.

For these things today and all that You continue to do on our behalf, GOD, I thank You.

Mental break

I need to log in and check this child’s grades. Make sure everything is everything.

Grey’s Anatomy was good last night, but Scandal was better.

I need to order that new case for the baby’s tablet or it’s not going to last long.

Today is Friday, so we hang out with my parents all evening: I look forward to this, but I think they look more forward to it than we do 🙂

Grocery shopping…laundry… I need to get that done but not tomorrow. I’m too tired. I just need one day of no travel whatsoever.

My shoulders are super tense.  I’m having little spasms in the left one periodically. it sucks.  I really need to schedule a massage

I wonder how hot is outside? did it actually rain?

I really have to figure out a better sleep schedule for me and this baby. I don’t think either one of us is getting enough sleep at night.

How am I tired of the Pandora stations I created? how can                                        anyone get tired of music? how is this possible?
I’ll listen to some soca when I get in the car. that will give me energy.

Erykah Badu’s “stay” just came on.  yep. that’ll do for now.  Maybe “certainly” will play soon. I love that song.

My upper back hurts.
dude says I just need a really good orgasm and I’ll be back to my old self.
(eyeroll).
how is that the solution???
but he may not be so wrong 😉

When am I going to stop wearing this ring? smh.  Quit blocking myself?

I need a couple new nighties. something that doesn’t slip and slide and turn                 every which way while I sleep.  who the hell came up with the idea of satin nighties anyways?  I need something long. soft. cotton. Or maybe just a great t-shirt will do.

My shoulders…ugh!

it’s Friday. When I get home, put the baby to sleep, and settle in, I get to put on some excitingly violent kung-fu flick, get a small glass of baileys. fall asleep 20 minutes into the movie, wake up at 3:00 a.m, hit replay then fast forward past the 20 minutes I already watched, watch 3 minutes, fall back asleep.  It’s madness, but I really like at least making the attempt at “me time”.

Lemme get back to di people dem wuk.  get these documents done before 5:30. cause I’m pretty sure I’m not staying here past that today.

Here ends this mental break.

mental break

 

 

the visit

standing there, you see it’s beauty.  the site of it. the thought of it.  it looks cold. but it’s beautiful. you came for this. to get away from the lights and sounds and demands of the everyday routine. you came for this. to release the accumulated stress and tension.  you came for this.  it’s been on your mind for so long. you go to bed thinking of it. you wake up almost feeling it. and so you came. for this. do you enter? or do you simply stand and admire.  build up the courage. what if you like it. enjoy it. love it so much you don’t want to leave. but that’s crazy thinking… you know eventually you’ll have to go… but you brush those thoughts away.  because you are here.  you really didn’t come to just see… you came because you needed this…. you needed to enter. so you do… and it’s not cold at all. it’s warm. and it enfolds you. the deeper you go, the warmer you feel. the more you wonder why you’ve waited so long.  it is so worth it. it’s why you came. and there’s something about this that is relaxing. soothing. even though in this moment with all your muscles tensed, locked… your body is actively peaceful and your mind is gone. so gone…. this is why you came. and now that you know, you will keep…coming. as long as it’s in your reach. you will come. again. you are mad at yourself for hesitating for so long.  but in this moment, you can’t even afford any negative vibe toward yourself or anyone else. because in this moment, you. are. gone. and everything is good. and the world is at peace. and you are at peace. and you are glad you came.  and you linger for as long as you can before you exit…

oh look. it’s starting to rain. might as well go back in. again. it only makes sense.

the ocean

What is the going rate for Integrity?

Strange question, I’m sure.  However, I find it necessary to pose it.

The other day, while in conversation with one of my core friends, she stated that if offered a certain amount of money, she would -without hesitation- become a Trump supporter.  Now, this is not a moment about politics.   If you are a supporter of one party,  because you just don’t support the stance of the other, then fine.  If you switch political parties because you believe that your political needs are better met/supported by another party, then fine.  However, if you switch parties simply because you’ve been offered a substantial amount of money, then -for what it’s worth- you lose my respect.
As a female person of color, supporting any racist/sexist/misogynist simply because the money is right…well, this calls to question your integrity.  What is your standard? What is your limit? At what point is money not enough to sway your beliefs?

money hungry